I remember those short 9 months ago as I lay in a hospital bed crying, screaming, hurling, and pushing, as if they were yesterday. And yet, it's as if there was no pain involved. It's amazing thinking I'd be willing to go through all of that pain for my precious daughter. It was terrifying and exciting all at once and then it was over. My precious daughter had entered this world and was laying on my chest. I looked down at her and it was like the world stopped. In that quick moment I had become so much more than I already was.
What I wasn't prepared for was the love that would enter into my life. Not only did I discover what it was like to love a child, I discovered how much my mother loves me, I discovered even more how much God loves me, but beyond that I developed a new love for my husband. It never even crossed my mind that I could love my husband more, but that day when he held our daughter for the first time and I looked up at him and saw the tender look on his face as he gazed down at our daughter I felt like my heart was going to burst. I quickly grabbed the camera and through my tears tried to capture the moment. Later I looked at the photos to notice they were all blurry. At first I was disappointed that I wasn't able to perfectly capture that moment, but now I realize that I did. That was the way I saw it through my tears and no matter how blurry the picture there is no mistaking the love in his eyes.
Motherhood is what I was destined for, I just wasn't expecting what it would actually be like. I knew that there would be long days and nights with little sleep. I knew that after the birth of my child my hormones would go crazy. I didn't know that I would feel like I was failing. I didn't know that a chore as simple as doing the dishes would feel like a mountain I had to climb. I didn't know that I would be so worn out and frustrated that my husband would think that I didn't love him. I didn't know that taking care of a tiny little baby could possible be so much work. I didn't know that I would suddenly take so much interest in poop. I didn't know that breastfeeding was so painful. I didn't know far more than I knew and I believe that's how it's supposed to be. However, it is really validating knowing that I'm not the only one that went through these things.
I have a friend who had a baby 2 days before me and we recently were walking around the zoo talking. It was amazing knowing that I wasn't alone in what I had gone through. She mentioned how hard it was to get house work done and to be able to put the baby down. It's not like the baby can't be put down, (although that is sometimes the case) it's just that you can't bare putting that precious angel down. What if she suddenly thinks that you don't love her because she had to swing in her swing? What if she needs me near her to be ok? Those are very real thoughts that cross your mind. I don't think I would ever have been able to fathom the difficulty of doing "simple" house projects. When my friend mentioned how house work had seemed so impossible I said, "Let me goes your conversation with your husband went something like this: 'I need to clean the kitchen' 'Well, clean it then.' 'It's not that easy!' 'Yea, it is.' 'No, it's not!' 'Oh,' responds the husband clearly flabbergasted ' Well why don't I clean it for you?' Tears well up in the mothers eyes, 'That's not what I mean, it's my job to do it. I need to be able to do it!' To which the poor husband has no idea what to say." My friend laughed because what I described cannot be something that only I've gone through. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it's a very normal part of dealing with a newborn. Amazing because I never thought I would be telling my husband that it's not the same if he cleans the kitchen.
Motherhood amazes me on a constant basis, there is so much I wouldn't have expected and I love it. It's such a learning and growing process. I'm glad that I will get the chance to grow for the rest of my life. I'm glad that I'm not alone when I go through crazy moments in motherhood and I'm glad that I can share my moments with you so you to realize you're not alone, you're not crazy, and no matter how trying it may seem it will get better. If I can't help, at the end of the day you can always look at your beautiful sleeping angel.
Now to catch some sleep and hope that tonight is the night that my daughter decides not only to sleep through the night, but to also sleep in until 9 (a mom can dream can't she?!?!?) Goodnight, dream fast.
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