Cuddle Bug

It's amazing how I have come to dread showers. I used to love them, but now they are just another thing on my to do list. It's not because they are work, but because C hates it when I take them. If I put her in her pack n play she cries, if I put her in the walker in the bathroom with me she cries. I hate taking a shower being rushed because she's crying. I hate that it makes her cry, I don't like it if she cries and there is something I can do about it. But at some point a women needs a shower!

Lets face it if I hadn't taken a shower we would all be worse off. I'm sure the stench of unbathed mom is not one more thing people need to look forward to when they see me. It needed done I was going on far too many days without a shower.

So, I put her in her crib. I loaded it with fun safe toys and left her in there talking and playing away. I brought the monitor with me and I took a shower. The thing with our monitor is that it's not working right now, it makes sound, but it sounds like it is on the lowest volume setting instead of the highest. It worked out because then when she was just whining I wouldn't hear too much, but then she started full blown crying. Luckily for me I was just about done, so I hurried up and headed out to get her.

When I got to her room and picked her up she gave me the biggest hug. She just laid down on me happy to have her mommy. It made my heart soar. It was worth the few tears I had to hear that made my heart sad. It was the happiest thing to happen to me all day! I loved it.

Does that make me a bad mom? Ha ha ha! I don't think so. It makes me a happy women to be loved. I love that she can show me love. I love the innocence of her love. I love that instead of being mad at me for leaving her in her crib to shower she was happy that I came back. Thanks sweet baby for being so sweet and making mommy happy.

The bathroom is no longer a one person place!

Sorry that it has been a few days since I posted. I am sure those of you with kids know that sometimes you just cannot find the time to participate in leisurely activities, Ssmetimes you are lucky if you can get the opportunity to go to the bathroom alone.

Before my daughter was born I was trying to mental prepare myself for everything, but I think that is impossible. I never would have guessed that I would yearn for the chance to go to the bathroom ALONE! Is that asking too much? It is when you are a stay at home mom.

I used to leave my daughter in her pack n play right outside the bathroom with the door open, but most of the time she gets mad and cries. So I put her in her walker in the bathroom because that was easier than hearing her cry. Now she's on to my little trick and cries when I put her in the walker. Sigh. So now I go into the other bathroom and set her on the floor with her rubber ducky. She plays for about 5 seconds then she decides that she is bored and pulls herself up on the tub. I immediately worry that she is going to slip and hit her head so now I put my hand behind her. After awhile she gets tired of that and she meanders over to me where she likes to touch the toilet if at all possible. GROSS! I try to distract her with another rubber ducky and set her down next to the tub.

Then when I stand up I have to put the toilet lid down before I step away from the toilet and flush without turning my body around in order to create a barrier between my daughter and the toilet. After that time I set her back at the corner of the room with her rubber ducky in order to buy myself enough time to wash my hands before she crawls back to the toilet and tries to lick it or something gross. Needless to say I do not take my time in the bathroom, however it does take a little bit of time. Between keeping my daughter happy and moving her away from the toilet I have my hands full.

So, when my husband gets home from work our interaction usually goes something like this. "Hi, I love you." "Hi, I love you. C wants you to hold her, she missed you. How was your day?" "It was good. How was yours?" "It was good, I have to pee." "Alright, I'll miss you." I then go upstairs and take my time enjoying the opportunity to go in peace. Then I hear from downstairs, "I thought you just had to pee." And suddenly I'm reminded that alas I have to go back downstairs eventually and I was lost in the peace of alone bathroom time for too long. I respond, "I did," and quickly wash my hands and head back downstairs, moment of alone time over.  Do I take a long time in the bathroom? Yes, sometimes I just need to take a quick breather and remembering what it is like to pee alone. Am I the only person who does this? I venture to say that every mom takes advantage of bathroom time to some extent. It is like a miracle when you get the chance to go alone.

For those of you who have no children or grown children, relish the time you have alone in the bathroom because it's not always your own time. For those of you with children, do not be afraid to take a little longer in the bathroom when you are all alone, you're not the only one who does it.

Baby Laughter

I love baby laughter. I think next to the sound of her heart beat on the ultrasound for the first time it is my absolute favorite sound she makes. It doesn't matter how I am feeling as soon as I hear her laughter I'm so happy.

Today she was full of laughter. For some reason she thought it was hilarious if I rubbed my nose against hers and said "meow." She would laugh and laugh and laugh. It made me giddy and I laughed and laughed and laughed. I can't imagine what the neighbors must of thought looking through the big window at the front (which I was standing in front of.) There I was dancing around the room face to face with my baby laughing like a little kid and every once in a while letting out a loud high pitched "meow." I can only imagine what they were thinking.

She also thought it was hilarious when I would put the spoon (which we had been using to share my frozen cherry limeade hehe) up to my forehead and made a noise. Then I would put it on her forehead and she would laugh so hard. When that got old I used it to tickle her under her arms. Again I'm sure the neighbors were thinking I looked like a crazy, but it was so worth it.

The sound of baby laughter is the sound of innocence and beauty. It's a sound people are to soon to forget. I love that something so small can make such an impact. I don't think that a single person could be around a beautiful joyful baby and not be filled with joy. I hope that I am smart enough to remember these times when I am older and further from innocence. May the world never lose sight of the wonders, joys, and innocence of children.

Patience, Perseverance, and Persistence

Today required quite a lot of patience, perseverance, and persistence and not because my daughter was being particularly "bad" or cranky, but because I picked up her first pair of glasses. I knew that trying to keep glasses on a curious 9 month old baby would be hard, but it sure tested my patience.

I was first frustrated because the glasses I got her were too big. It was hard to tell when I was picking them out that there was even a difference in the baby glasses. I really just thought that I was picking the color. Then the man who helped me didn't say anything about them and just measured her face, so I assumed they would work. I had tried them on her, but between her lack of a nap (or really her total exhaustion) and her  curiosity pulling at them it was hard to really see them on her.

The lady who helped me today goes, "we do have smaller glass if those fall down all the time. I guess I wasn't the one who helped you pick them." I was immediately frustrated because she clearly knew these really didn't fit her. I specifically went to a children's eye care store so that I would get glasses that are a perfect fit. Why hadn't the first guy who helped me mentioned this? It's not like they are cheap to replace.

So I put the glasses on and leave. She actually did not pull on them as much as I had first thought she would. However, they fell down her nose and she looked like a librarian looking at me over the top of her glasses and they pulled her ears down perpendicular to her head. By the time we got home of course she had pulled them down and decided to try and eat them. I put them back on and dutifully followed her all day replacing them. After a couple hours she was getting sick of me constantly pulling them up after she pulled them off. She would even cry when I put them back on. Sigh.

Overall she did very well. She pulled at them less than I expected, yet it was more frustrating than I expected. We made it through the first day and I'm proud of us. A few tears, but it was overall happiness. Then we gave her a bath and I decided to look through the glasses just to see how bad her vision is... oh my goodness my daughter is so blind! I realize that it is probably different because she is so young and it's in an effort to fix her cross-eyes while she is young, but I was not expecting it to be such a strong prescription! I am so glad we noticed her eye issues so young so that she did not go years with bad eyes and us not even knowing it.

Now the day is over, I'm not chasing her around pulling those darned things back up. I'm sitting in my bed relaxing and contemplating sleep at the early hour of 8:50. And tomorrow, I can do it all over again. Ah, the joys of motherhood.

Darn Diaper Rash!

My daughter is currently teething and, despite the fact she has already cut 6 teeth easily, this time around is not so painless. She has gotten a terrible diaper rash. It makes me so sad every time I change her diaper and she is so red. I finally decided to give her an oatmeal bath.

Giving her an oatmeal bath sounds easy and like a good decision, but that is where all my problems started. First I didn't have any store bought, which is fine because I'd rather make my own. So then we had to go downstairs and making an oatmeal bath.

Making an oatmeal bath is incredibly easy. All you need is some unflavored oatmeal and a food processor. Throw in a few handfuls of oatmeal and grind until it is a fine powder. It is ground fine enough when it easily dissolves. I use about 1/3 cup for my daughters baths. Pour it in under running water and mix it in with your hand.

My problems came when I got lazy and didn't check to make sure it was fine enough in a small amount of water. First I cleaned out the tub with a quick wipe just to get any left over dirt particles from her last bath and then I filled the bath and poured in the oatmeal. Of course it wasn't fine enough and settled down at the bottom like I was trying to actually make oatmeal.

I quickly got over that and my daughter was happily enjoying her bath. Then she tried to stand up (she often does this and then sets her bottom down to splash.) I dumbly didn't stop her the first few times she did it even though I should have been aware that the oatmeal was making the tub more slippery, Then she stood again, but this time she slipped and hit her chin and proceeded to bite her tongue. I'm pretty sure that at that moment I wanted to kick myself for allowing her to use the side of the tub for support standing.

She of course started crying and I grabbed her quickly, sad that she had hit her poor little chin. As I was holding her I realized that there was blood coming out of her mouth. I think I almost screamed. I can't believe my poor baby was bleeding. Seeing her bleed and hearing her cry was so traumatic to me. Luckily she calmed quickly and I was able to see that she had bit the tip of her tongue. While I don't want her to bit her tongue or bleed, I was happy to see that she hadn't knocked out one of her teeth or something.

So, even though I had felt like I was being a good mom earlier while I cut up her fruit for the week, made some baby pancakes, and cut up other food for her to eat over lunches, my day was effectively ended by feeling like a low life who let my baby slip in the tub. I know I'm not the first mom that happened to and I know I won't be the last, but today it did not matter. I hate seeing my baby bleed and cry. I know she loves me the same, but it still made for a rough day.

We Put Her In The Nursery!

Today at church my husband and I took a big step in parenthood, we put our nine month old daughter in the nursery. Let me tell you, that was nerve-racking! The ladies running the nursery are so friendly and I'm sure she had fun, but I'll tell you I can't remember a word of the sermon.

I sat through the service starring at the screen just knowing that my daughter needed me and they were going to call me any minute. I did not close my eyes and I'm not sure I even blinked! The sermon seemed so long (although I'm sure it was regular timing and good as usual.) I could hardly sit still and I just wanted to jump out of my seat and run down and get my daughter.

Finally church ended and I'm pretty sure I ran out of the auditorium and down the stairs. I was so focused on getting down the stairs that I did not even notice that you could hear my daughter crying about half way down (thank goodness!) When we got there they said that she had a great time and did not start crying until just a few minutes before we got down there. My instincts wanted to cry that she was crying, but I knew that she was taken care of. She had a fresh diaper (which is what prompted the crying), they had given her her bottle, she had played, and she was being held and comforted.

I held back the mama bear in me and calmly thanked them and made light of her crying. Then one of my friends said that she had been down there and did not even notice my daughter was down there because she was so happy until the last few minutes. Truthfully I think when it came down to it I was glad to know she missed me.

We were heading out of the church and I wanted to hold her (since my husband had been holding her.) I reached over to grab her and she started crying. That is when I really wanted to cry. I wanted her to be so excited that we came to get her that she gave me her big slobbery baby kisses and leaned her precious little head on my shoulder. I think I almost cried when she cried over me wanting to hold her. At least my husband got the satisfaction of knowing that she loves him.

After all that I end today knowing that we have stepped into another stage of parenthood. We are now back to enjoying church service alone. It does not feel right yet, I miss my baby. I know that it's only the beginning of letting her be independent and for that I am sad. My baby girl is growing up and it is so bittersweet. I want her to stop growing and stay just the way she is, but I want her to grow up and be a strong woman of God. I guess I will just enjoy the moments we have now and know that someday we will share special moments laughing about the antics of her children. Now I will seize the moments and memorize her beautiful baby faces and the joy of her baby laughter.

Sleeping Through the Night

Amazing, just as I finished putting the final touches on my last blog and dared to suggest that maybe my daughter would sleep through the night she woke up. The sound of her timid cry filled the airways of my monitor and I got a flutter in my heart because I knew I would get to go hold my baby and comfort her, this however is not always my attitude.

Before my daughter was born I imagined that after 4 or 5 months of not so restful nights my daughter would be sleeping through the night. I can not for the life of me figure out where I would get some silly idea like that! I also falsely assumed that if she was only getting up one or two times a night when she was first born that it would not get any worse than that. Again I found out that I was so wrong.

I remember the first few months home from the hospital I was so excited because she was only getting up once or twice a night and sleeping until 9 am. It was nice to be getting up less times than I had when I was pregnant in. It was also relatively easy to deal with her. I would nurse on one side, she would fall asleep. Then I would change her diaper. nurse on the other side, she would fall asleep, and I would gently put her back in her bassinet on the side of our room. It was a nice pattern and I liked it.

Then one day we decided it was time to move her to her own room. Of course I wasn't ready to leave her and was convinced that somehow she wouldn't sleep as well with out us in the room, so we pulled our mattress onto the floor in her room. However,  we picked one of the coldest days of winter to move her over there. It was 17 below outside and slowly making the way into the house. I was cold and she woke up many times so I assumed she was cold. I eventually let her curl up in bed next to me to keep her warm.

It finally got warmer and she still kept getting up. It became harder to get her back to sleep and I was becoming more and more exhausted. I felt like my brains were leaking out of my ears and there were nights when I would come back to bed and cry because I felt like I was somehow a failure of a parent. I just wanted to be able to put her to bed and get a little sleep. It got to the point where I got up 8 times in a single night. I would have tried anything to help her sleep better.

We finally decided that maybe her room was too temper-mental when it came to the tempurature since we had to set the heat at 75 to get it to be 68 in there, but I noticed that when the heat was going it would get so hot. So, we moved her back to our room. Finally she started to sleep better! I realize that it may have been being with us or that she finally got her first tooth or any number of things, but I was happy to have a sleeping girl.

Since then we have moved and she is back in her room. Her sleeping has maintained a steady rate of waking 0 to 3 times a night and I have come to accept that. I got to the point where I was frustrated because I just knew I was still doing something wrong. "They" say to let her cry, that she should be able to self-soothe, that she shouldn't be eating in the night and that you should keep middle of the contact to as little as possible. Well let me tell you, trying to achieve those things only made it harder.

One day I was finally exhausted and I let her cry at her nap time. It lasted 10 minutes and then I swore to her I would never make her do that again. She cried and cried and cried (and I cried.)  I went in a picked her up and held her close while I nursed her to sleep, this felt so right. During this time I read an article by Dr. Sears about sleep methods and I realized that we were doing many of the things that people suggested. It was at that moment that I finally came to the conclusion that I'm not a bad mom for comforting my child and knowing what works to get her to sleep. I realized that I'm not a bad mom just because my child wakes up at night and that in all likelihood she would not sleep through the night until she was good and ready. (I realize that maybe she would go to bed on her own and possibly sleep through the night if I let my child cry it out and choose to ignore it, but to me that feels so unnatural and I will never do it.)

After I had decided to relax about it I also finally took my husbands offer up for help in the middle of the night. He had always offered to help, but I rarely took him up on it because I felt bad interrupting his sleep when he had to get up and work the next day. It dawned on me that I needed to catch up on just a little sleep, so I told my husband I would let him get up with her in the middle of the night. Do you know what that little stinker, my daughter, decided to do that night? Yup, you guessed it, she slept through the night! The next morning I was so excited. All it took was a little relaxing on my part and things went so much smoother. She has slept through the night a few more times, but not consistently. However, for the most part she only gets up once and it's not until 4. I finally feel like a new woman and I have a clear mind and I am perfectly ok with her waking up in the night.

If you're waiting for the day when you will get a full nights sleep, look no further because I'm convinced it will never happen once you have a child. When she does sleep through the night I still wake. Part of my heart is living outside of my body, how could I not wake, if only for an instant, and want to know that she's ok. But it does get easier if you just relax and accept it. So, tonight, sleep well when you have the opportunity and cherish the moments you are awake.

I never knew how much my mother loved me

I never knew how much my mom loved me until I had my own child. It's amazing really. I never knew how much I could love someone so instantly, until I had my child. All of the sudden your life is no longer your own and life is so much more scary.

I remember those short 9 months ago as I lay in a hospital bed crying, screaming, hurling, and pushing, as if they were yesterday. And yet, it's as if there was no pain involved. It's amazing thinking I'd be willing to go through all of that pain for my precious daughter. It was terrifying and exciting all at once and then it was over. My precious daughter had entered this world and was laying on my chest. I looked down at her and it was like the world stopped. In that quick moment I had become so much more than I already was.

What I wasn't prepared for was the love that would enter into my life. Not only did I discover what it was like to love a child, I discovered how much my mother loves me, I discovered even more how much God loves me, but beyond that I developed a new love for my husband. It never even crossed my mind that I could love my husband more, but that day when he held our daughter for the first time and I looked up at him and saw the tender look on his face as he gazed down at our daughter I felt like my heart was going to burst. I quickly grabbed the camera and through my tears tried to capture the moment. Later I looked at the photos to notice they were all blurry. At first I was disappointed that I wasn't able to perfectly capture that moment, but now I realize that I did. That was the way I saw it through my tears and no matter how blurry the picture there is no mistaking the love in his eyes.

Motherhood is what I was destined for, I just wasn't expecting what it would actually be like. I knew that there would be long days and nights with little sleep. I knew that after the birth of my child my hormones would go crazy. I didn't know that I would feel like I was failing. I didn't know that a chore as simple as doing the dishes would feel like a mountain I had to climb. I didn't know that I would be so worn out and frustrated that my husband would think that I didn't love him. I didn't know that taking care of a tiny little baby could possible be so much work. I didn't know that I would suddenly take so much interest in poop. I didn't know that breastfeeding was so painful. I didn't know far more than I knew and I believe that's how it's supposed to be. However, it is really validating knowing that I'm not the only one that went through these things.

I have a friend who had a baby 2 days before me and we recently were walking around the zoo talking. It was amazing knowing that I wasn't alone in what I had gone through. She mentioned how hard it was to get house work done and to be able to put the baby down. It's not like the baby can't be put down, (although that is sometimes the case) it's just that you can't bare putting that precious angel down. What if she suddenly thinks that you don't love her because she had to swing in her swing? What if she needs me near her to be ok? Those are very real thoughts that cross your mind. I don't think I would ever have been able to fathom the difficulty of doing "simple" house projects. When my friend mentioned how house work had seemed so impossible I said, "Let me goes your conversation with your husband went something like this: 'I need to clean the kitchen' 'Well, clean it then.' 'It's not that easy!' 'Yea, it is.' 'No, it's not!' 'Oh,' responds the husband clearly flabbergasted ' Well why don't I clean it for you?' Tears well up in the mothers eyes, 'That's not what I mean, it's my job to do it. I need to be able to do it!' To which the poor husband has no idea what to say." My friend laughed because what I described cannot be something that only I've gone through. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it's a very normal part of dealing with a newborn. Amazing because I never thought I would be telling my husband that it's not the same if he cleans the kitchen.

Motherhood amazes me on a constant basis, there is so much I wouldn't have expected and I love it. It's such a learning and growing process. I'm glad that I will get the chance to grow for the rest of my life. I'm glad that I'm not alone when I go through crazy moments in motherhood and I'm glad that I can share my moments with you so you to realize you're not alone, you're not crazy, and no matter how trying it may seem it will get better. If I can't help, at the end of the day you can always look at your beautiful sleeping angel.

Now to catch some sleep and hope that tonight is the night that my daughter decides not only to sleep through the night, but to also sleep in until 9 (a mom can dream can't she?!?!?) Goodnight, dream fast.

My Goal In LIfe

Every since I can remember I have always had this goal of being a stay at home mom. I think I just grew up knowing that that's what I wanted to be. I could have been a princess, doctor or lawyer, but I wouldn't have been true to myself.

I went to college with the original intentions of becoming a nurse, later I changed my major to elementary education. I had the ability to go to college, but I was only going because I was "supposed to." I never even honestly declared a major and looking back it was probably because they did not offer the degree I was looking for "Motherhood" (although they did at one point offer a degree in Home Economics, long before my time.) When asked in my college philosophy class what I wanted to do with my life I responded "be a stay at home mom." It is what I was created to do.

I am lucky enough to be living my dream. My husband makes a good enough income to live off of and be a one income family. I get to stay home and care for my beautiful daughter and it really is all I could have ever dreamed of. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity, but today while I was mopping the kitchen I realized that I could be so much better at what I do. I want to do as much as possible to give my child the best life I can offer. (Let me just say that my goals to be better at what I'm doing are just that, my goals. I'm not trying to say that the only good stay at home mom is one who accomplishes the thing I want to accomplish to feel like I'm the best mom. I'm saying that I want more from my life than I am giving it.)

It's amazing how much there is that I could do better my life, that I had never really considered before because I like convenience. I decided today that I would like to start making bread for my family at home, I'd like to try cloth diapering, I would even love to try roasting my own coffee beans. I would like to have more control over what my family eats and puts in their body. It also is important to me to save any money that I can. Why should I pay $3 a loaf of bread when I can make my own for less? Why should I worry about running out of bread when I can just make it myself?

I have a friend who has 5 children, and she makes her own bread, hamburger buns, etc. I admire her. I would like to someday possibly have 5 children and give them the best that I can offer. I may find out that the best I can offer is simply to buy them bread, but I'd like to say that at least I tried and I know that's what is best for us.

When I didn't have a child I could only imagine what life would be like with one. Now that she is 9 months old and I am finally getting the hang of things I want to do more than just make it. I want to be the best that I can be. These first 9 months of her life have taken a lot of adjusting and have been at times chaotic. I've been so grateful to the internet and other mothers who have expressed similar issues as I have. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone in what I'm going through and in fact it's perfectly normal. If my blog only reaches one person, but I have helped that person to realize she's not alone I'll be happy.

So follow me as I continue on my journey of motherhood. Laugh with me. cry with me, learn with me, as I make my life more of a home made life, and become the mother I hope to be. I'm excited to share with you.